by Meriqua Whyte
Whenever we have experienced conflict in our marriage, it has been because either my husband or I, or both of us have started going contrary to the Word of God. In our case, most times, it is me going against the Word of God, and not my husband. When we go against the Word of God in any aspect of life, it brings about sorrow, conflict and discord, and it blocks God’s fullest blessings in our lives.
God is not too concerned about us using our talents in service for Him if we are not being obedient to Him in our home life. Notice with me what the great preacher, Charles Haddon Spurgeon said many years ago:
"God save us from wives who are angels in the street, saints in the church, and devils at home."
So how can I minimize conflict in my home and at the same time experience God’s fullest blessings in my life?
First, learn to have a soft answer. I know, I know - he provoked you to anger. So what! That does not give us the right to use grievous words. For, “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1) In my own marriage of eighteen years, I have seen where, whenever I have answered with a soft answer, the argument or fussing stops almost instantly. My husband, in response to my soft answer, has a softer tone as well. We are then able to talk it out instead of fussing it out.On the other hand, when my words have been cutting and sharp, coupled with a bad attitude, automatically my husband’s words become sharp.I can hear some of you saying, eighteen years of marriage and you still have not mastered the art of a soft answer to your husband? I must confess – No. Why? Because of this thing called flesh. My flesh is always rearing up its ugly self; always seeking its own fulfillment. Flesh does not want to die to itself. Flesh wants to be satisfied now and not tomorrow. So whenever I desire or strive to do right, evil (flesh or self) is right there. Yes, after eighteen years of marriage, I still have to daily pray earnestly to God for His help in this matter.
Secondly, not only must I have a soft answer, but I must also learn to control my tongue. (James 3:8) In other words, I do not always have to have the last word or reply to my husband once he tells me something. And even if I think I do have something to say, I do not always have to say it. The “I know, but…” has gotten me in a lot of trouble. In effect, what I am saying is, “I know but you are still wrong.” “I know but I still have to have the last word.” No, I do not have to have the last word. And neither do you. Why do we feel as though we always have to have the last word with our husbands? I think it’s pride and most times not wanting to admit that we are wrong that keeps us from shutting our mouths.
Ladies, let’s just keep our mouths closed. Let our husbands have the last word if they want to. When we push to have the last word, the Holy Spirit simply sits back and says, “Well, Madam, since you think you have it all together, and since you feel you can do my job better than I can as far as instructing your husband as to what to do, then I’m going to leave him and you alone, and let you mess it up.” And that is what we do, in effect – mess it up – royally. Come on. Let’s confess. I’ll start first. I have messed up many times with my “yes, but…” How about you?
Thirdly, to avoid sowing seeds of discord in my marriage, I must exercise a meek and quiet spirit (I Peter 3:4) – not a meek and quiet outward behavior, but a meek and quiet inner behavior. I am a pretty quiet person outwardly but at the same time my inner spirit can be kicking and bucking like a wild rebellious stallion. If you have been a Christian for any length of time, you know what submission is. Submission is a heart attitude. God, being the thorough God that He is, searches the heart or the hidden part of us. He tells us in first Peter chapter three that He places a high price on a meek and quiet spirit, for it shows true submission.
Fourthly, never lie to your husband. There is no feeling as terrible as the feeling of distrust. That is what happens when we lie to our spouse. You try to move forward, but distrust stands in the way. I have been there. I must confess. I have lied to my husband in the past about minor things. These “minor” lies have created a major problem. When you lie to your spouse, you break the trust. Never, never, never lie to your spouse about anything. It is not worth it. And if you are in a marriage where the trust has been broken or severed to some degree because of your lying, all you can do is ask God’s forgiveness and your husband’s forgiveness, pray and tell the truth from now on, then trust God that things will get better.
Lastly, let us seek peace and pursue it in our homes with our husbands. If your husband wants you to stay home even though you would rather go out with your girlfriend, then stay home. Give in. In other words, do as your husband wishes and exercise Titus 2:5: "To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed." For indeed, we are blaspheming the Word of God when we are disobeying it. We are in effect saying, “God, your Word is not true.”In closing, Mr. Cleveland McDonald in his book, Creating A Successful Christian Marriage, said: “The Christian wife has a primary obligation to maintain a home that is distinctively Christian. She gives tender support and submission to her loving husband.”
Ladies, we can make an enormous contribution as to whether we have a peaceful home or not. I’ve seen these five principles work in my life. I encourage you to prayerfully apply them and watch God work to bring peace and harmony to your home.
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